MST3K Remix: The Childish Trap
by Wilson Hill
Summary: The Prime Evils are forced to read horrible fanfiction for their eternal punishment!
1. Part One Deckard Cain Breaks the Ice

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that isn't mine.  
  
Fanfic Key: This is how the MiST is set up:  
  
Outside Theatre: Third Person Story Mode  
  
Inside Theatre (insert name here): = The heckler says this. *action*=Indicates a heckler doing something or how their saying something.  
  
The Story: (skip down to where you see "*****" if you don't care).  
  
Three minor land masses can be found sitting on a highly polished floor. The room the floor is in is mostly constructed of chrome, stainless steel, and a highly advanced form of white plastic. In it's design (fundamentally simple, but slightly elegant), the room managed to look futuristic, which of course it was. It was part of an intricate prison unit set up on a space ship in orbit around the Earth.  
  
The prison was built to contain the most horrendous, villainous, devious, and unkind demons to ever walk across the realms: The Backstreet Boys. Er, I mean the Prime Evils, the ringleaders of Hell. Well, former ringleaders.  
  
The Prime Evils were cast inside of a special unit called the soulstone, in the hopes that they could be contained. They couldn't. In fact, their imprisonment only gave them a solid foothold into the mortal realm. It was only after a group of seven warriors killed them and destroyed their soulstones that the Prime Evils were truly gone.  
  
Kind of.  
  
As it turns out, their complete and total disillusionment from the realm of Sanctuary really just pushed them into a different realm, that of ham and cheese sandwiches. Heaven, deciding that they wanted to be sure that the Prime Evils wouldn't return, pulled them through yet another dimensional portal and deposited them neatly into the futuristic space craft, to be looked after by a dirty old man. Er...I meant to say Deckard Cain, the last of the Horadrim. Yea.  
  
Anyway, the aforementioned landmasses in the aforementioned room are about to wake up to meet their punishment: To be forced to read terrible stories, often about their own realm! Raise your hand if you didn't see that one coming.. One...two...ok, about five people. The rest of you get a pat on the head.  
***** Que the band!  
  
In the not to distant sequel, Somewhere in Diablo Three, Mephy, Baal, and Big D, Are in as much trouble as can be.  
  
Entrapped by an elder, Whose name is Cain. A Horadric Mage Of ancient fame.  
  
After all their soulstones were destroyed, The Prime Evils are about to have their minds toyed!  
  
"I'll send them real bad Fanfics, Of the horrible, I'll send the worst, They'll have to sit and read them all Until their brains become bratwurst"  
  
Now keep in mind the Prime Evils Must read weather a story's small, or the size of a truck, They'll try to keep from going nuts, With sarcastic comments and such  
  
Demon Roll Call: Baal: My Brothers Will Not Have Died in Vain! Mephy: Is My Spinal Column Showing? Deckard Cain: Weren't expecting me in this list, were you? Diablooooo: I'm Afraid of Fire!  
  
If your wondering how this will work, The technology and all that crap, Just repeat to yourself it's just a joke, So just kick back and relax!  
  
Oh Miserably Sad Theatre, 3000!  
  
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:  
  
A large creature slowly rised from his rather uncomfortable position on the floor. Squinting, he looked over and saw his two brothers, also splayed out on the floor around him. Propping himself on one elbow, he tried to determine his surroundings. "Where in Hell am I?" he asked, mumbling.  
  
"We aren't in Hell anymore, Diablo," replied Baal, quickly trying to get up on his many legs. As they continued to struggle to their feet...er, lower appendages...er, means of support, a vision screen unfolds itself from the wall and gracefully slides down. After a slight flicker, the visage of a kindly old man appears on the screen.  
  
"Why hello! Stay a while, and listen!" the elder greeted earnestly. His eyes seemed to capture the light in a manner that reflected all of his vast experience, and the gentle smile playing on his lips seemed to serve as a reminder of all the times in life you thought things were hopeless and suddenly you were all right again, through a simple matter of chance or luck.  
  
Mephisto rose up on his smoke stack, scratching his head and frequently checking to see which direction was up. He craned his neck towards the vision screen and asked, "Anything in particular you had in mind?".  
  
"Well now, let's see..." murmured Cain, gently tugging as his beard. "Well, I suppose I should start with the fact that I've got you all here trapped on this space ship thing and I get to play with your heads."  
  
Diablo, finally freeing himself of his head ache long enough to look at the screen and promptly wished he hadn't. "Ah, hi Cain, how are things...?"  
  
"Oh, you mean since you destroyed my village, turned my best friend into a brainless zombie, and stuck me in a cage to rot?" asked Cain, the graceful peace leaving his face like a group of startled birds, to be replaced with a look of blazing fury. The edge cutting into the old mans voice was enough to make all three Prime Evils wince.  
  
"Er, yea, since then," replied Diablo nervously.  
  
"Oh, fine, fine," replied Cain, returning to a more neutral attitude.  
  
"Right, so, uh...how about us leaving now?" asked Baal, looking around the small room and seeing no doors. How had they gotten in here?  
  
"Ah, but you haven't even read your first story!" replied Cain enthusiastically. "You see, your punishment involves the reading of poorly written texts describing events in our home realm!"  
  
"Er, rain check?" asked Mephisto nervously.  
  
"Nope, sorry, you're stuck here. I'm sending you your first story now. It's called The Childish Trap, and you'll have to see it to believe it." As Cain finished speaking those words, the small room was suddenly ablaze with various colored lights, as bells and whistles blared into the cabin. While all this was going on, a door opened up on one side of the room, and all three Prime Evils felt beckoned towards it.  
  
"We've got fanfic sign!" they called, launching themselves through the door and disappearing into the darkness.  
  
7,6,5,4,3,2,1:  
  
*The three demons walk in and sit in the following order, left to right: Mephisto, Diablo, Baal*  
  
Diablo: You know, I say, if we have to read these pieces of garbage, we at least have fun doing it. Baal: I second that notion. Meph: Did somebody mention seconds?!? Seconds of what?!?  
  
The Childish Trap  
  
Baal: I'm forced to assume that was THE BEST title that the author could think of.  
  
By Gdog4evr  
  
Meph: We can only assume.  
  
CYA Style Disclaimer: Any copy-righted material mentioned in the following story is property of whomever owns them, including but not limited to Blizzard Entertainment and Jim Henson Productions.  
  
Diablo: That covers a lot of territory, now doesn't it?  
  
This story is not in any way meant to insult, degrade, slander, libel, put down, or in any other way offend anybody or anything. If anybody or anything is offended at something in the story, I offer them my apologies.  
  
All: WE DON'T ACCEPT!  
  
If that is not accepted, please work out your aggressions in a form that does not involve contacting a lawyer.  
  
Diablo: Does violence work?  
  
You may feel free to share this story with anyone for any reason as long as it is done freely (meaning you can't charge anything for it) and is the text is kept in its entirety, including this disclaimer. Thank you.  
  
Baal: You're not welcome.  
  
Meph: Does he actually think people would PAY to read this?  
  
Diablo: People pay BY reading this, for Peat's sake!  
  
Feedback is always welcome, which includes suggestions, comments, corrections, personal insults about my mother, or anything else! Please send to instant_feedback@yahoo.com, and maybe you'll get a cookie.  
  
Meph: How about a "get out of fanfic free" card?  
  
The gang of seven warriors ran, skipped, hopped, and occasionally tripped over and past the rubble lining the bottom of the tunnels. The assassin was in front, followed closely by the paladin, who in every other sense of the word was leading the party.  
  
Diablo: Leading them to their doom, that is.  
  
He was also using his Vigor aura to ease their rush. His weapon was sheathed, and his armor dented, and he carried a mysterious bag over his shoulder.  
  
Baal: Could we add just a few more "and"s to that sentence please? Thanks.  
  
The others clamored along behind, trying to make good time.  
  
Meph: I don't know, sounds like a pretty bad time to me.  
  
"Why are we rushing?" yelled out the Necromancer, tailed by several resurrected minions.  
  
Meph: Tailed by? What, were they pinning it on him?  
  
"We have to vanquish the Butcher before the ceremony is completed!" the Paladin called over his shoulder.  
  
Baal: I can't tell if this is the wrong game or the wrong characters. Diablo: Both  
  
The sorceress, beginning to fall behind slightly, teleported a few times and caught up to the Paladin, then resumed running.  
  
"What do you mean, vanquish the Butcher? He died long ago beneath Tristram!" She exclaimed.  
  
Diablo: But only cuz' he was to stupid to move away from the staircase leading down.  
  
"Indeed, but we must now defeat a creature of similar origin but infinitely more devious and powerful.  
  
Baal: Ok the "Devious" part isn't so hard.  
  
Not only that, but he is to be accompanied by creatures even more powerful than the prime evils.  
  
All: HEY!  
  
That is, if we don't get to him first."  
  
Diablo: Wait, who's saying this line? Baal: The necromancer, maybe?  
  
"How you know?" called the barbarian, from several meters back. He was glad he had invested some skill points in Increased Stamina and Increased Speed, even if it did seem like a waste of points at the time.  
  
Meph: So everyone is aware that they can just hit a button and get a new skill then? Diablo: Yup, and every person in this thing decided to max out SUCK.  
  
His Battle Orders howl had, for some inexplicable reason, encouraged them all and had increased their stamina almost as much as the paladin's Vigor. He had to stop occasionally though to recast it, hence he fell behind.  
  
Baal: You can recast a yell?  
  
"I received word from our spies about it," called out the assassin, who was using her Burst of Speed skill to stay ahead of the others.  
  
Diablo: Greedy wench, WHY CAN'T SHE SHARE!?!  
  
"And your sure this is worthy information?" called out the amazon, nimbly stepping between loose rocks that might otherwise trip her as she ran. A large wolf behind her growled, then stopped and melted into a human form before running again.  
  
Meph: He finally gave up on sniffing her butt.  
  
"Yes," called the druid at last after his last attempt.  
  
Baal: If that was his last attempt how is he attempting it now?  
  
"My people and her's worked together to find out exactly what was going on and where. Sentient vines and wolves come in handy for that form of research."  
  
Diablo: Yea, 'cause those vines do anything outside of snarfing down corpses and poisoning people.  
  
The paladin stopped and held up a hand, signaling the others to stop as well. The assassin, not seeing this, nearly ran directly into the wall.  
  
Meph: If this is the same assassin that keeps shutting down my Durance of Hate, I'm going to be so bitter.  
  
As she grunted, the paladin turned to the majority of the group and said, "re-equip. Now."  
  
Diablo: What if they didn't bring swimming trunks?  
  
They all paused a second to allow their stamina to recover, and then pulled off the Vidala's Fetlocks and pulled on their normal footwear.  
  
Baal: They all happened to come across identical set items, what a coincidence.  
  
The paladin walked over and brushed his hand along the wall, looking for something. It was completely black, and seemingly formless. His hand reached up higher, than tapped the wall. He looked at the druid and nodded, tapping the area of the wall again.  
  
Diablo: *In Paladin voice* Right here, this is where we'll hook up the illegal cable box.  
  
The druid walked over and swung his heavy maul in an overhead arch, smashing a hole in the wall towards the ceiling.  
  
Baal: Wait, what? The hole was pointing upwards or something?  
  
He hacked again, and more rocks tumbled loose and fell, opening up a good sized hole.  
  
Diablo: As opposed to a bad sized hole, kind of like the ones filling this plot.  
  
The paladin looked over at the barbarian as the druid finished opening up a gap in the wall. "You remember the plan?" he asked, and the barbarian nodded.  
  
The huge muscle bound figure walked up to the hole as the druid stepped aside, wiping his brow. The barbarian the leaped up and through the space allotted him, and came down the other side.  
  
Meph: Right into a stinking pile of...  
  
He looked at the barrier he had just passed, and found the huge lever he was looking for. He tried forcing the lever up, but it was stuck. He put down his weapon and pulled the lever as hard as he could. "Is jammed!" he called back through the wall. "I need help!"  
  
At this, the sorceress sighed and teleported first into the hole, then looking down, into the room itself. The necromancer jumped up and grabbed at the edge of the hole, and with the help of the paladin lifting him,  
  
Baal: Doesn't that imply that the paladin was above him or something?  
  
got high enough to summon a Blood Golem on the other side. He then fell back to the ground, his armor clinking heavily. They tried repeating the process with the druid so he could summon a grizzly to aid them, but he was much heavier and besides, a grizzly wouldn't help much anyway.  
  
Diablo: Unless he summoned it right on top of the necro.  
  
The three lifted, pulled, and hefted the lever as hard as they could. Then the sorceress stepped back, looked at the lever, gasped, and shouted, "Wait! Hold on a second! Get off the lever!"  
  
Baal: I hate when a girl tells me that. Diablo: Would it have been so hard to think of another word to call it besides "Lever" from time to time?  
  
The two others clamored away from the stone switch, and the sorceress stepped forward and lightly pushed down on it. The switch slid easily downwards, and the wall parted and slid into the ceiling and floor.  
  
Meph: Complicated toilet...  
  
The necromancer summoned a fire golem, his of choice, as the barbarian turned red and mumbled apologies.  
  
"Good work everyone, let's keep going," the paladin said, making sure to pat the barbarian and sorceress on the shoulder.  
  
Baal: *Mimicking barbarian* Bad touchie bad touchie!  
  
He stepped up to the lone door that the fake wall had protected. He tried the handle. "Locked," he informed, then turned to the assassin and raised an eyebrow.  
  
Diablo: Locked doors always get me in a flirty mood too.  
  
"Didn't you mention that your group had determined a way to open virtually any lock, no manner how complicated, effortlessly?"  
  
"Yes,..." she paused, then stepped forward. "But you must swear that if I perform this technique in front of you," she spun on her heel to face all of the group, "Then you must all swear that you shall never tell a soul how it works, for if the secret were let out, it would mean every thief could get into any place and no one would be safe."  
  
Baal: Well, the thieves would be...  
  
The others nodded in mutual, grave agreement. She squared her shoulders, walked to the door, wielded her claws in a flashy manner, then rammed the blades deeply into the keyhole of the door, the twisted her hand and flicked her wrist to rip the lock completely out. Six hands simultaneously slapped the heads of their owners as they saw the secret method of opening locks safe guarded by the assassins and defended fiercely. "What?" she asked out loud, seeing their reaction.  
  
Diablo: Oh no, this one is going to try to be funny, isn't it? Meph: Heavenly Father... Diablo and Baal: HEY! Meph: Sorry. Hellish Father, we ask that you give us the strength to bear these attempts at humor Baal: Much better.  
  
"Nothing!" replied the paladin, rubbing his temples. "That was very..." he stopped short of finishing with "stupid". "...effective" he finished instead. The assassin nodded sharply and stood back, still confused by the numerous rolling eyes.  
  
Baal: And where were they rolling to, exactly? Diablo: All right, I need a break already, let's ditch this place.  
  
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:  
  
Diablo is practicing some yoga exercises as his brothers explore the space ship they are on. This, naturally, dosn't take long. "Find anything interesting?" asked The Lord of Terror, coming out of a peaceful trance of relaxation and bliss.  
  
"Yea, the doors are locked," replied Baal, flopping down on an innocent couch and nearly destroying it.  
  
"You guys call yourselves Prime Evils?" Diablo mocked, who then got up and rammed his fist into the door. He was instantly met with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity and instantly jumped one second into the future.  
  
"We also found out about that," added Mephisto, once Diablo had reappeared, smoking slightly.  
  
A screen opened and the face of a grouchy old man appeared. "Hello, my demons!" the old man called out.  
  
"Hello, Cain!" the Prime Evils called out in falsetto.  
  
"So how are we enjoying our little fan fiction, HMMM?" Cain asked, smiling wickedly.  
  
"Only morbidly less than I enjoyed being electrocuted. What's the deal? How come were only allowed to be in this one room?" asked Diablo.  
  
"You'll gain access to other area's of the ship when I'm danged good and ready to give them too you," replied Cain, shaking a finger. "And I wouldn't advise you to try hacking your way into the other levels..."  
  
"Is that a pun?" Baal whispered to Mephisto.  
  
"...because one of them might be the airlock system. Now get back in that theatre!" Cain yelled in his shaky old man voice as red lights flashed.  
  
7,6,5,4,3,2,1:  
  
*the Prime Evils go into the theatre and sit in their usual places.*  
  
Diablo: Ah great, we're going to be stuck in here for a while now. Baal: I'm just hoping the next room we earn will be the bath room.  
  
The paladin removed his sword from his scabbard, and clicked on Fanaticism for a moment to increase the attack speed and power of his allies and their minions.  
  
Meph: But he screwed something up and they all died; The End. Can we go now? Diablo: Er, I don't think we can...  
  
He then opened the door as quietly as possible, until is squeaked loud enough to make them all grimace. The creature within heard it, and tilted his head to one side, as if considering what to do with it.  
  
Baal: Yea, because there are so many things you can do with your own head.  
  
The beast had horribly yellow skin, bushy brown hair, and wore clothing and a matching hat that were, shockingly, sparkling white. All the warriors and otherwise  
  
Meph: Is that meant to imply some of them were wussies?  
  
poured into the room, weapons and spells readied. The necromancer already launched a curse at the being, a sparkling light dazzling lightly over his head.  
  
Diablo: *in narrator's voice* It was the curse of disco ball! Baal: John Travolta got hit by that once, didn't he?  
  
The creature did not react, as they all slowly noticed. In fact, it seemed to be doing something on a table that they could not see, and very well didn't want to either.  
  
Meph: What's wrong with seeing a table? Diablo: And how did they know it was a table if they couldn't see it?  
  
It was also, for the most part, facing the exact opposite direction of them. It worked busily on the table with a large selection of instruments, pouring, mixing, and cutting. It seemed to be almost completely unaware of their presence.  
  
Diablo: So he can just ignore this whole thing? Jeez I envy him...  
  
Seconds dragged by like minutes. The curse laden on the beast fizzled away and disappeared. Minutes dragged by like hours. The assassin began to straiten from her crouch, as her leg was starting to cramp up. The amazon eased off the tension in her bow, slowly.  
  
Meph: So the amazon is going to let her hair down now?  
  
The others likewise began to relax. Hours didn't drag by.  
  
Baal: Sure as hell feels like it though.  
  
This was because after five full minutes of nothing happening, the paladin finally cleared his throat to get the creatures attention. As he did so, everyone tensed up again once more, the sweat beading down their faces with anticipation and fear.  
  
Diablo: You know, a little prune juice might help relax their problem...  
  
Afterwards, nothing continued to happen. Well, that's not true. The creature began to sing as it worked. It to, was truly hideous, and sounded almost child like, in it's tune.  
  
Meph: *Waving his hands in the air and in a high pitched voice* La la la lalala, la la la la!  
  
The sorceress glanced sharply at the paladin, to signify the message of "What the @#$% are we doing here?" with only her face.  
  
Baal: By mouthing the words out.  
  
The barbarian nudged the druid and pointed at his wrist as if he had a watch, to signify it was lunch time.  
  
Diablo: Which for him, I know for a fact, occurs on an hourly basis.  
  
The paladin decided to do something. "Er, hello?" he asked uncertainly. This elected a small snicker from the group he was meant to be leading. More defiantly and authoritatively, he tried again, after the creature again failed to acknowledge his presence.  
  
Meph: Do you think we could worship this monster guy? I mean he's managed to get seven warriors to stand around looking stupid for a full five minutes, we've never done that. Diablo: Yea, but Durial has, him and his cold enchanted aura. Meph: Oh yea...  
  
"Hello!". The beast finally stopped singing for a moment, but that was only because he had reached the end of the song, and began again after a few moments.  
  
Meph: *waiving his arms in the air and in a high pitched voice* La la la! Baal: Don't make me hurt you.  
  
The amazon lost her patience and rapped the ground sharply with her bow, saying, "What the heck are we doing here? He'll kill us with boredom before he tries to harm us!"  
  
Meph: Fair is fair, you're doing it to us!  
  
"Maybe that's his intention," chimed in the necromancer, "He plans on killing us that way so that he'll have our bodies whole for the cooking pot." The barbarian, recognizing this as a joke, laughed a little along with everyone else, without actually getting it. The paladin, however, was getting fed up.  
  
Diablo: He was feeling bloated?  
  
He marched up to the beast, who was separated from the party by a counter and called out, "Hey buddy, what's your problem?"  
  
Baal: Odds are, you don't want to know.  
  
he reached out across the counter to grab the beast by the shoulder, just as it was finishing another chorus of it's horrid song. Just before he made contact, the creature whirled around, facing the paladin. The paladin gave a high pitched screech and jumped back, dropping his sword to the ground and tripping over it in the process.  
  
Diablo: Hey Mephisto, I'll join you in worshiping this guy if you can just tell me this isn't the same paladin that beat the crap out of ME fifty times.  
  
"Woa, he screams just like you do," the amazon muttered over to the sorceress.  
  
"Shut up, I'm not that bad," the sorceress whispered back. The paladin snatched his sword up and rolled into a defensive/offensive crouch,  
  
Baal: Gotta love dem' all purpose crouches.  
  
as the others re-readied their weapons, preparing to strike at a hair trigger notice.  
  
Diablo: When the amazon flips her hair, that means GO!  
  
"Hellu!" said the creature after regarding his audience. Everyone tensed up even more, muscles bulging, spells shinning, fingers straining around the hilts of weapons.  
  
"Hoo ere-a yuoo?" asked the evil creature. His bushy eyebrows were so overgrown and disgusting that it was impossible to see his eyes. His deformed nose bulged out in a massive triangle. His sinister mouth stretched across his face. All were hesitant to answer the beast's question. Finally, the paladin spoke up.  
  
Diablo: *in paladin's voice*: Um, where' the bath room?  
  
"I am a paladin of the holy order, sent here on a mission..." the paladin was cut off, as the beast spoke overtop of him.  
  
Meph: He jumped on the paladin's head and started talking?  
  
"Nut vhu, hoo. Hoo ere-a yuoo?" the hideous creature corrected.  
  
Meph: I think I should change my mind about worshiping this guy... Baal: Better than worshipping yourself. Meph: Dangit Baal! Stop reading my diary!  
  
"Wait, does he... does he mean how are we?" asked the sorceress in a puzzled tone. The chief nodded happily and repeated his question once more.  
  
Diablo: And so now we are accidentally informed by the author the guy's a cook. Meph: Kinda did that already, with the Necro's joke back there.  
  
The barbarian scratched his head, partly out of confusion, partly to look for fleas.  
  
Baal: He must be stupid. He's bald, no flees would be there!  
  
The druid's tongue was hanging out, partly because of the heat, partly out of confusion.  
  
Meph: Duy!  
  
The paladin slowly stood at his full height, eyeing the creature before him carefully. He said, in a shaky sort of tone, "Um, all right I guess..."  
  
Diablo: *in paladin's voice* Except for the fact I'm a wuss...  
  
"Thet is guud!" applauded the creature, clapping happily.  
  
Meph: Well at least HE'S happy with how this fanfic is going.  
  
He turned his back to them, and then turned back around, holding a mixing bowl in one hand and stirring the contents with the other. The contents of the bowl looked like mud, only more...evil.  
  
Diablo: And how evil is mud by itself, then?  
  
But the smell was almost overpowering, and especially effected the assassin, who was nearing a specific point in her lunar cycle and would soon desire this concoction.  
  
Meph: This is starting to get to much. Baal: Yea, let's go see if the bathroom is available yet  
  
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:  
  
Baal was in the restroom freshening up as Diablo and Baal were playing with the air hockey table. Baal came out just as Diablo scored a point against Mephisto. "How's it look in there?" Mephisto asked as he set up the next puck.  
  
"Pretty basic, a john and a sink. Where did this come from?" inquired Baal, gesturing to the air hockey table.  
  
"Dunno, Cain said that if we were good little demons we'd get more of the same," replied Diablo, concentrating on he game. All of a sudden a trap door opened up beneath the table and it dropped away. The floor sealed itself behind it. Diablo whirled around towards the vision screen showing Cain's smiling face. "Hey, I was about to score another point!" he whined.  
  
"Oh please! I was about to beat your..." Mephisto countered, but Cain cut them both off.  
  
"Silence! I was just gave you a little preview so that you'll behave! Now get back in there, you're almost to the half way mark!" the mage bellowed. 7,6,5,4,3,2,1:  
  
*Everyone walks into the theature and sits in their usual spots. A loud crash is heard, and ??? lands in the seat to the left of Mephisto*  
  
???: Ah dangit, I pushed the wrong lever... Meph: What the blazes? ???: Er, hello... Diablo: Who are you? ???: Er, no one... Baal: Why isn't the fanfic starting? ???: Because I hit the wrong button, instead of starting it up again I was launched here. Diablo: CAIN?!? Oh, you're in trouble now pal. Cain: Tell you what, I'll join you in mocking this thing for a bit, then I'll give you access to the entertainment system. Cool beans? Baal: And why don't we kill you? Cain: Because then you're stuck here. Meph: Fair enough. Cain: Right. *pulls out remote controll* let's get started then...  
  
"Tudey ve-a meke-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" cried the beast. "Furst, zee chuculet!" he informed them as he mixed the contents with even stronger strokes of the ladle.  
  
Diablo: Do you guy's remember hireing a demon that was on something bizare? Meph: If he was on something he'd be on my pay check, and I don't think I hired anyone like that. Baal: Why you specifically? Meph: You never noticed all the smoke?  
  
"Candy food..." drooled the barbarian, lumbering up to the beast, wishing to partake of the chocolate.  
  
Cain: Ah, I see now. Chuclet is equal to chocolate. He seems to be speaking in a heavily Sweedish accent. Diablo: If that's the best heckling job you can do then we really ARE going to kill you.  
  
"No! It may be poison!" yelled the paladin, who desperately wanted to dive into the fudge himself.  
  
Cain: I do not think the bowl is deep enough, young one! Diablo: Er, a little better, I suppose...  
  
"I'm an expert in poisons, thus I shall be first to sample said substance to determine it's safety," said the necromancer, licking his lips.  
  
Meph: Oh please, the only poison he studies is booze. Cain: And I beleive "it's" means "it is", thus only "its" should have been written. Baal: Cain, just STOP and watch us for a while, then jump in when you think you got the idea.  
  
He started moving, but was quickly blocked by the amazon and sorceress as they surged forward to get there first.  
  
Cain: Personally, I think I'd rather be blocked like that than have the chocolate anyhow. Diablo: *Blinking* Dang...And you're how old, Cain?  
  
The assassin was already reaching across the counter top towards the bowl, only to have her hand slapped away by the devious creature holding it.  
  
Meph: *In Creatures voice* Only ONE piece of halloween candy-ah! Baal: That impersonation blows Meph: So does this fanfic, but that's not stopping it! Cain: Given the Katar blade she bears on her wrist, wouldn't this beast just lacerate his own hand? Diablo:Getting better, now just drop anything more than two syllables.  
  
"Stop! All of you stop!" the paladin yelled.  
  
Cain: *In paladin's voice* Now drop and roll! Oh, this is the worst fire saftey class ever!  
  
"This is exactly what he wants! He wants us to eat that stuff!"  
  
Baal: That could be taken so wrong...  
  
"We want that too!" cried the barbarian, who had his great sword raised to knock two of his fellow warriors out of the way.  
  
All: Do it! Do it! Do it!  
  
"But it might kill you!" the paladin nearly shouted through clenched teeth, which is somewhat difficult.  
  
Cain: Especially if you don't have any teeth, believe me I know.  
  
The assassin had begun pleading with the beast, but he was ignoring her. The paladin reached over and grabbed her wrist, pulling her away from the creature, begging her to regain herself.  
  
Cain: Again, how are people able to touch her hands without losing their own?  
  
"Zeere-a! Zee chuculete is-a dune-a!" called the beast suddenly. He sat down the bowl as the assassin regarded it with purely naked lust.  
  
Baal: Not even going to touch that one.  
  
The paladin was having to forcibly restrain her, and was beginning to fail.  
  
Diablo: Mostly because as a monk he isn't allowed to touch women.  
  
The amazon and the sorceress came forward and aided in prying away the assassin, slipping her a small block of fudge beyond the sight of the barbarian, who still was looking at the chocolate with shinning eyes.  
  
Meph: I'll bet anything the turtle wax stung.  
  
While all this was going on, the chief proudly proclaimed, "Und noo, zee muuse-a!", and brought forth, from the next room, a live, full grown, Canadian moose.  
  
Cain: But the barbarian was already there!  
  
As the sounds of ravenous smacking sounds of the warriors could be heard, the creature began smearing the chocolate from the bowl unto the quadruped.  
  
Baal: "As the sounds of the ravenous smacking sounds"? Sounds like the title of a horrible poem! Diablo: Oh, will we be mocking that next? Cain: I'm not THAT cruel.  
  
The assassin discreetly munched on her fudge and began to recover herself, while the barbarian satisfied himself with a chew toy that the druid had loaned him.  
  
Meph: And the chew toy tasted like fudge?  
  
The paladin was holding a meeting as the creature sang while working.  
  
Cain *In paladin's voice* Who wants what on your pizza?  
  
"All right, so he's an idiot. What's the move?" asked the sorceress.  
  
Diablo: Oh come on, the barbarian isn't THAT bad.  
  
"Is it possible we have the wrong coordinates?" asked the necromancer, leaning against the wall.  
  
Cain: ...which promptly collapsed.  
  
"We've had spies in the area for weeks, this is where we're supposed to be," the assassin informed.  
  
Meph: And the spy's couldn't do anything about it?  
  
"This may be a divisional tactic, trying to hold us off until the opportune moment," the paladin mused.  
  
"What moment would that be? When to sample the cheese cake?" the necromancer snipped snidely, twirling his sacred bone wand between his fingers.  
  
Baal: Bone wand? I guess that's just what he calls it...  
  
"Ooo, we eat that, can't we?" asked the barbarian, removing the chew toy from his mouth, briefly.  
  
Cain: What, the bone wand?  
  
The druid had assured him that he could keep it, in that not even the wolves wanted it back.  
  
Diablo: But only because they had laced it with cyanide, just for the barbarian.  
  
"No, we can't eat anything he cooks, he might poison it," explained the paladin once more, patiently.  
  
"He's preparing it right in front of us, if he tried putting anything in anything, we'd see it," said the amazon, who deeply enjoyed cheese cake.  
  
Meph: Ok, I'm the Lord of Hatred and even I think this is starting to get offensive towards women.  
  
"What if he added poison to the ingredients before hand?" asked the druid, regretfully. He, also, deeply appreciated both chocolate and cheese cake.  
  
Diablo: There there, dear brother, the author compensates...sort of.  
  
The various masters of the conversational arts were interrupted as the creature called out "Zeere-a, zee chuculete-a muuse-a is dune-a!"  
  
Cain: *in creatures voice* allow me to eat, er, seat you!  
  
"How nice for you," the paladin said to him, and turned back to the others.  
  
Diablo: *in paladin's voice* Now, about that pizza...  
  
The assassin looked sadly upon the chocolate-coated moose. "All that chocolate, all wasted,..." she murmured, and the amazon patted her hand.  
  
Cain: Thus slicing her own hand open, AGAIN.  
  
"Noo it is teeme-a tu secreeffice-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" the beast shouted, lifting a pruning knife above his head. The necromancer suddenly straitened.  
  
Baal: *in necro's voice* Yea! take it off!  
  
"Secree...secree...sacrifice?" the paladin asked, confusion drawing over his face.  
  
Cain: That happens a lot with him, believe me.  
  
"I sense a curse being invoked!" the necromancer barked out, as he lifted his bone wand and prepared to launch a curse in return.  
  
Diablo: Ok now that's just disturbing.  
  
The entire group watched in horror as the moose glowed in a brilliant blue light, then vanished.  
  
Meph: That has to be the least horrific sacrifice I've ever seen...  
  
"Noo yuoo veell deee-a! Bork bork bork!" the creature hefted up a good sized butcher knife and hurled it at the paladin.  
  
Cain: Shouldn't there have been something about who said that and how? Diablo: Bork bork bork? What the... Got any weird translations for that one, Cain?  
  
The paladin leapt and twisted to the side, just barely avoiding being carved into. It sailed through the air and sliced off the end of the barbarians new prize, his chew toy. The barbarian removed it and stared at it blankly before throwing it down.  
  
Meph: Please, like he'd even notice.  
  
"You hurt whistly-bone!" the barbarian yelled, then leaped into the air towards the counter, whilst raising his weapons over his head to smash them down on the beasts head.  
  
Cain: "head" was repeated twice in the same sentence... Diablo: STOP WITH THE GRAMMER!  
  
"Soock it, beeg buy!" the beast retorted, picking up a knife and throwing it upwards at the barbarian, then flipping backwards just in time to avoid his swings as he landed heavily on the counter top a bashed downwards.  
  
Meph: Huh? Baal: What the hell just happened?  
  
The barbarian pulled the small knife out of his side without difficulty and took a swig of a minor healing potion to avoid bleeding problems.  
  
Diablo: Because blood stains are hard to get out.  
  
He was about to jump down again when a fire arrow sailed right above his head, barely missing. He twisted backwards to avoid severe injury, and promptly fell off the counter.  
  
Cain: Why is he twisting about AFTER the arrow has safely passed him?  
  
The seven warriors looked in stunned silence at the origin of the arrow, a small creature with a pig nose and pink cloths. She tossed her golden hair back as she readied her next arrow into a rather absurd looking bow. She drew it back and shouted, "Die, bitch!"  
  
Diablo: Is this...No, it can't be. Cain: Oh it is.  
  
"Bork bork bork?" the assassin said to herself. There was only one creature in all the cosmos who had that laugh. "You must be...The Swedish Chef!"  
  
All: AIIIIIIE!  
  
"Yuoo gut it hut stooffff! Bork bork bork!" the Chef called out, inexplicably winking at her as the amazon knocked the next arrow out of the air with an arrow of her own.  
  
Diablo: *still reeling in shock* They're fighting the friggin' MUPPETS? Cain: We can only assume.  
  
"Miss. Piggy, I presume?" the amazon called over to the pig like creature.  
  
"One would expect nothing less!" the lady pig replied, flicking her hair again.  
  
Baal: Wouldn't say that...  
  
"You!" sneered the assassin, raising her claws at Miss. Piggy.  
  
Diablo: Woa, the assassin just has issues with everybody today, jeez.  
  
"Yes, haha!" the pig chirped, tilting her head to one side and smiling at her former comrade.  
  
Baal: *spills his rootbeer* Cain: What, you didn't know about that?  
  
She then tossed her bow across the room to it's rightful owner, Animal.  
  
"ANIMAL!" Animal cried, quickly readying his bow with a lime green arrow.  
  
Diablo: Some people just like their own names way to much...  
  
It was only then that the group became aware that the bow was made out of drum sticks, shoelaces, and duck tape.  
  
Cain: But not necessarily in that order.  
  
"Be careful, it's poisoned!" the amazon cried out, noticing the type of arrow it was. The shot landed at the paladins feet, as he rolled away, holding his breath.  
  
Meph: After being around the druid's wolves for prolonged periods, you'd think he'd have smelled worse.  
  
The necromancer summoned a fire golem out of the air next to Sam the eagle, as he sent various skeletons to clamor over the counter top to get at the Chef, who was holding them back with a frying pan.  
  
Diablo: Where did Sam come from?  
  
The fire golem raised its arm to punch the eagle, but his arm was grabbed by another fire golem who suddenly crackled to life next to it. "Your not the only master of summoning and curses!" yelled a long nosed and very weird individual who was hanging from a ceiling beam.  
  
Cain: Ah, so now I make an appearance in this fic.  
  
"Gonzo!" growled the necromancer. He recast his fire golem, causing his previous one to vanish as another one appeared on top of the beams that supported Gonzo the Great.  
  
"No!" cried the amazon, quickly lobbing a freeze arrow up at the fire golem, knocking it off the beams and putting out the fire it had started. "You idiot!" she snapped as she whirled around at the necromancer. "You'll get us killed!"  
  
Diablo: For some reason the thought of a fire golem flaming in midair strikes me as funny. Baal: Yea, to bad that's the only thing that comes close to funny in this thing  
  
"Ah! That's what you think, but it's actually US who's going to get you killed!" replied a small, somewhat fuzzy bear-like creature. The druid whirled around at the sound of his voice.  
  
"Fozzie! Your supposed to be dead!" he exclaimed.  
  
All: Figures  
  
"Ah! No, I merely scuttled off when I couldn't get out of wear bear form. And it wasn't even a very good form, but I've become very powerful in it!" the bear explained, raising a finger for who knows what reason.  
  
Cain: Uh, which finger? Meph *patting Cain on the head* It's all right, just don't worry about it.  
  
"You are still out numbered!" the sorceress informed the demonic creatures. "There is seven of us, and five of you!"  
  
"Nah uh! Now there is six! Hahaha!" came a shrill, high pitched voice.  
  
Diablo: Look out, it's Kathy Lee Gifford!  
  
The sorceress turned and saw a ridiculously short creature covered in bright red fur. "My name is Elmo, and I'm going to make you die like a pig in hell! Hahahaha!" it laughed again.  
  
Cain: And how exactly do pigs die in hell? Meph: I didn't start up any slaughter houses, did you guys? Baal&Diablo: Nope. Meph: We'd better look into this...  
  
"Which leaves only one remaining," the paladin said, turning around, looking for the one he knew must be here.  
  
Diablo: McCloud! Meph: There can be only one!  
  
"Correct, and I'm it!" came an answering voice. The owner of the voice stepped forward on his horribly long legs, his entire body a sickly green color.  
  
Cain: Stop using the same word over and over again! Baal: Stop using long words!  
  
"Kermit the Frog!" growled the paladin. "Why am I not surprised, you pathetic whelp!"  
  
"Mmm, strong talk, but can your blade mach mine!" the frog replied, pulling out a long sword.  
  
Meph: Ewwie.  
  
"I can do more than match, I'll easily surpass!" shouted the paladin, as he began to charge. Then he, and everyone else in the room, disappeared.  
  
Diablo: This is getting ridiculous, I'm leaving. Cain: Might as well, we've hit the half way mark. Meph: I need to stretch my remaining limbs. *Cain sneaks off to the left as everyone exits to the right* Baal: Wait, where's he going? *Baal tries door Cain exited with, finding it locked* Baal: Son of a... Cain: *over loudspeaker* Hehehe!  
  
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:  
  
"All right Cain, where's that entertainment system you promised us?" Diablo yelled at the vision screen.  
  
"Oh fine, it's over there," replied the mage, waving a hand as a wall lifted into the ceiling, revealing an Atari hooked up to an eight inch black & white TV.  
  
"That's friggin' IT?!?" yelled Baal, his pincer like feet clicking irritably.  
  
"That's right, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to play with it. Time to go to bed now, kiddies!" Cain said, opening a door to yet another room. The three Prime Evils began to whine and complain as they entered the bedroom, then began to fight over who got the top, middle, and bottom bunk.  
  
********************** End of Part One, you'll get the second half of the feature story next MiST. The'll also be a guest MiSTer, so that should make things interesting...  
  
If you're still not very familier with the whole Diablo world thing, you can get some bonus info here, at www.elitegames.8m.com , then go down to the appropriate link. It's a litte page I set up by basically stealing pictures of the Prime Evils off the official site.  
  
Any comments, questions, or anything of the like can be sent to instant_feedback@yahoo.com , where i'll be happy to respond just as soon as I think to check that account. 


	2. Part Two Get Back Here, You Taffer!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that isn't mine.  
  
Fanfic Key: This is how the MiST is set up:  
  
Outside Theatre: Third Person Story Mode  
  
Inside Theatre (insert name here): = The heckler says this. *action*=Indicates a heckler doing something or how their saying something.  
  
Story: The Prime Evils of Hell have been entrapped on a space ship and are being forced to read horrible fanfiction about their own realm. When we last left them, their warden, Deckard Cain, had allowed them to get some rest about halfway through their first Fanfic.  
  
----------A few hours later--------  
  
A guard was walking down the hallway, whistling to himself as he marched across the carpet. The carpet quieted his foot steps, a considerable feat considering his iron-soled boots. They also quieted the footsteps of the man behind him, and because of this the guard was unaware he was being followed until a heavy blow to the head left him unconscious. The dark figure responsible for said blow quickly hefted up the guard and put him in a dark corner where he wouldn't be noticed, than continued on his way.  
  
The dark figure leaned around a bend in the hallway, listening to a couple more guards discuss the Hammarites. With a start, the dark figure realized they were headed towards him, then smiled as he removed his black jack and pressed himself against the wall.  
  
"And so then I said, 'listen you taffer, I don't want a bloody pamphlet!'. And do you know what he said to me, do ya?" asked the first guard to the other, as they turned and started down the hall, leaving the light of the torch.  
  
"No, what did he suuu," replied the second guard, slurring his last word as he slumped to the ground.  
  
"You all right?" asked the first guard, before joining his companion. The dark figure smiled at his handy work, then took off down the hall and flew up a set of stairs. The dark figure quickly leapt on top of a rather decorative dresser and mantled his way up to a large window that surveyed the castle grounds. Taking out a small but powerful bow, he knocked a broadhead arrow into place and took careful aim. He let go of the string and watched as the arrow sailed over the heads of the guards at the front gate, into a window of a different tower, and hit the alarm switch. A loud siren went off, alerting the guards to a disturbance and sent them all chasing after the taffer that had broken in. The dark figure smiled and hopped down from his spot, hiding in a blanketing shadow as he watched two guards run past him.  
  
Normally a good thief would not allow his presence to be known, and would certainly not announce it. But this thief thought it would be perfectly all right to do it just this once, since now all the guards in the castle were frantically running to the opposite end of the building he was in.  
  
The thief continued to his destination and looked over at a panel of switches. He took out a piece of paper, and started to hit the switches in the order dictated by the parchment. He had gotten it off a rather drunk guard that a rare artifact of great value was carefully hidden, and could only be revealed with the appropriate combination switches. Further inquires to some trusted sources had lead him to the list he now held. As he pushed the last lever into place, a small cubbyhole opened across the room.  
  
It is completely unrelated to the above facts that a man sized blue portal opened up in front of the cubby hole as the thief turned around. Briefly surprised, the dark figure managed to overcome his amazement at the security measures and went into the portal to claim his prize. ---------- The dark figure stepped through the blue portal into a brightly lit hallway, made almost entirely of metal. The thief froze, then whirled around to return to the dark castle, only to see the last of the portal collapse into itself. With no choice, the thief raced down the well illuminated corridors, searching for cover. With no map, his compass going haywire, and no form of landmarks, the thief quickly became lost. He pulled out a long sword and used it to pry open a door, after seeing that it provided no other means of opening. He slipped inside the comfortable dark room and closed the door behind him, and only then began to examine his surroundings.  
  
The thief's sharp hearing picked up the sounds of breathing, and slowly he realized he was in some kind of sleeping quarters. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could vaguely see the form of three beds stacked on top of each other. The top bunk was to high up for him to see, although he did notice some smoke that seemed to drift down from up there. The middle bunk was occupied by what appeared to be the breeding of a man and an insect, his legs dropping out of the bed and obscuring the last occupant. The thief knelt down to see into the last bunk, and saw a great demon like creature, clutching a small stuffed bear tightly to his chest.  
  
The thief shook his head, briefly checked around for anything of value, and began to look around for an exit, preferably not the one he had come in through. Just as he was beginning to give up hope of escape, a loud orchestra of bells and whistles screeched into the apparent night, as bright flashes of color exploded into the room, temporarily blinding the thief as he stumbled back.  
  
A panel on the wall slid away revealing a viewing screen, and the image of an old man suddenly appeared.  
  
"Wakey wakey, my little darlings," the old man drawled, looking malevolently at the demons being spurred to reality.  
  
"Jeez Cain, can't you give it a rest? What time is it?" Baal asked, slapping a tentacle over his eyes.  
  
"Time for you to read more bad fan fiction, now let's ... Who, in the name of Bill Roper, are you?" asked Cain suddenly, directing his comment at the dark figure trying to get the hell out.  
  
The thief froze, his brain working overtime to come up with an explanation. He whirled around and gave Cain a gigantic fake smile. "Hello sir, I'm selling these fine leather jackets, and perhaps you'd like to be the first on your block to..."  
  
"Shut it," Cain replied, looking over at something off screen. "It says a time/space rift has dumped you on our little space ship. How lovely. Since you're here, you can make fun of the story with the rest of these clowns. Now get moving!"  
  
"What the heck is going on here?" demanded the thief, looking shocked and outraged as Diablo and Mephisto grabbed him.  
  
"We'll explain in a moment, right now..." began Diablo.  
  
"We've got FANFIC SIGN!" the Prime Evils chorused together.  
  
7,6,5,4,3,2,1;  
  
*The Prime Evils drag the thief into the theatre and sit him down next to Meph* Diablo: What's your name, human? Thief: Garrett, and what the heck is going on with this thing? Baal: Uh, crappy story appears on screen, we mock it. Get it? Garry: Got it. Baal: Good. Cain *over loudspeaker, doing an impression of Boris from the Bullwinkle Show* Shadup your mouf! The story's starting!  
  
The amazon dropped to her feet and leapt to the side, seeking cover next a stone column. She cast sharp glances to each side and noticed that there was a long row of columns, most of them round or at least roundish, every ten feet or so. Directly infront of her was a stone wall made of mortar. She peered over the side of the column she was hiding behind and saw that the entire vast room was filled with stone columns, in a perfectly symmetrical pattern.  
  
Garry: What the heck is going on? Diablo: Uh, all the character classes are apparently being forced to duel the muppets. Gary: Character classes? Meph: Just watch. Gary: Fine, just tell me what an amazon is then. She must be able to view the room from the ceiling to be able to tell the pattern of the columns.  
  
She knocked an arrow into the bow and pulled back slightly, ready to shoot if necessary.  
  
Meph: Because there's a whole list of other reasons why she would do this.  
  
She ducked back behind the column as a fire arrow sailed by her head and exploded into the column near her.  
  
Gary: Wait, with how the room's built, shouldn't it have kept going or something? Diablo: Let me give you some free advice: Take whatever hopes and dreams you may have for the spelling, grammar, and logic for these stories, and throw them out the window.  
  
"ANIMAL!!" a savage voice called, echoing all around the stone and mortar room.  
  
Baal: Reminds me of a Toga Party I once went to...  
  
The amazon grimaced and ran out into the open,  
  
Gary: What opening? It just said the entire room was... Diablo: What did I JUST tell you?  
  
pulled the shaft of the arrow back, spotted the red haired beast several dozen yards away from her, and let the arrow fly before diving behind the next column.  
  
Gary: You will notice, gentlemen, that she didn't bother AIMING at the red haired beast, just let the arrow fly. ____________________  
  
The paladin looked around himself, he was standing in a grand dining hall.  
  
Meph *In paladin's voice* This is the best McDonalds ever!  
  
A well decorated table with several candles illuminating several platters of food.  
  
Baal: Not to sounds like Cain, but I think that sentence was...uh... Cain *over loudspeaker*: Pointless and incomplete? Gary: Gaah! What was that? Baal: Right, that's what it was, thank's Cain.  
  
A red carpet beneath his feet, he walked up to the table, the light of dozens of high up torches reflecting off his iron clad body.  
  
Diablo: Ah, someone seems to have gilded the paladin. Gary: Gilding is only done with gold. Diablo: So, bite me. Baal: I thought that was Andarial's job? Diablo: Hey, you shut up about that!  
  
He reached out to touch a plate, it was real.  
  
Meph: As opposed to all those counterfeit plates floating around.  
  
He reached for a bread roll and picked up, squeezing it. It wasn't plastic or wax.  
  
Gary: Because if it was he wouldn't enjoy it as much?  
  
He lifted it to his nostralls, and it smelled wonderfull. He nearly put it in his mouth when he remembered his earlier warnings about the chocolate.  
  
Baal: *in paladin's voice* Johnny, don't eat so many sweets, it'll give you pimples.  
  
He let the roll fall back to the table.  
  
Gary: What did the roll ever do to him?!?  
  
"Hmm. Good choice," a voice behind the paladin said. The paladin whirled around to face his advisory.  
  
Diablo: A non-dumbass religion? Gary: Ah, he's a Hammerite then?  
  
"Originally I was hoping you'd kill yourself with stupidity, but I guess I'll have to do it!"  
  
Meph: Wait, how do you kill someone else with stupidity? Baal: Remember kids, don't drink and drive.  
  
with that, Kermit sprang into the air, and the paladin lifted his sword to block.  
  
Gary:...which made him look silly as Kermit just sat there hopping in place, minding his own business. ____________________  
  
"You know, this was the same dungeon that once held the prince of Persia!" called Gonzo across the huge gap that separated him and the necromancer.  
  
Diablo: What's sad is that our "entertainment system" couldn't even play THAT.  
  
"Explains a lot," the necromancer replied, looking at the labyrinth like maze of plat forms and huge leaps of faith that made up the dungeon.  
  
Baal: Leaps of faith? Maybe it should be the paladin in this room...  
  
Gonzo smirked and flipped a switch and a platform dropped from it's cubby hole in the ceiling, crashing loudly, spanning the length of the gap.  
  
Meph: Isn't a cubby hole a lot smaller than the size of a bridge?  
  
"Let us begin!" Gonzo shouted, waving his bone wand and casting Amplify Damage on the necromancer and his minions.  
  
Gary: Talk about a friendly enemy, he just helped the necro! Diablo: Uh, actually no, Amplify Damage actually increases the damage you RECEIVE, not DELIVER. Gary: Oh, sucky. ____________________  
  
"Hi-ya!" called out Miss. Piggy as she performed a karate chop that sent the assassin reeling.  
  
Baal: She was fishing? Diablo: Now Garrett, do you need to have the assassin explained to you? Gary: Oh, TRUST ME, I already know about assassins...  
  
The assassin rebounded off a stout support column and charged at the lady pig, slashing at her with her claws.  
  
Gary: Jeez, she needs a manicure.  
  
The two martial arts masters squared off in a medium sized dojo, the place they felt most at home in.  
  
Meph: So...what, are they going to settle down and raise chitlins in there or something? ____________________  
  
The barbarian found himself in a large, cozy looking kitchen.  
  
Meph: Doesn't that kind of go against itself? Gary: Not really, when you spend a lot of time in a cold and damp dungeon, even a large kitchen feels cozy.  
  
There was a large hearth built into the side wall, with a plump goose roasting above a crackling fire.  
  
Baal: Of course, it usually works better if you KILL the goose first... Meph: Since when?  
  
The barbarian wandered over to a table, and picked up a bag of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, and a stack of Hershey bars. He took his smores fixen's to the giant open fire place and was about to start roasting a marshmallow on the tip of his sword when all his new possessions were scattered on the floor by a thrown knife.  
  
Diablo: Should we even ask why Smores exists in this story? Gary: For the same reason we have electricity in my realm?  
  
"Yuoo cun't hefe-a thuse-a!" the Sweedish Chef yelled, brandishing a butchers knife in each hand.  
  
Meph: I think that's called a cleaver, actually... Diablo: Cleaver? But I barely know 'er! Meph: That joke is so old... Baal: Like hell it is.  
  
"You...you...you spill candy food! And you hurt whistly bone!" shouted the barbarian. He hefted up both his weapons and began a whirl wind attack on the Chef, as the Chef did the same towards him.  
  
Gary: So I take it the Chef is a barbarian as well? Diablo: Very good, young grass hopper. Gary: So why is he one fourth the size? Diablo: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LOGIC?!? ____________________  
  
"So we meet again, brother," the druid called across the small, damp cave.  
  
Gary: Hey, the perfect conditions for growing mushrooms. Meph *smiling*: 'Shroooms... Gary: Uhh...forget I said anything.  
  
"For the last time, seeing as how I'm going to kill you," growled Fozzie, as he took of his beanie cap and dusted it off before putting it back on. The druid shrugged and turned into a wolf and summoned an oak sage to prolong his life span. "Your little balloon won't save you, Wocka Wocka!" laughed the renegade.  
  
Meph: You know, I really can't picture Fozzie saying that. Baal: I really can't picture you trying to figure out this story. ____________________  
  
The sorceress ducked just as a fire bolt sailed directly through where her head used to be.  
  
Gary: AHH! She's headless!  
  
A high pitched, sinister laugh came from the caster, Elmo.  
  
Gary: For the love of...how many of these little starter fights are we gonna have? Diablo: Until we crack...  
  
"You'll pay for that!" the sorceress stated, her hair swirling behind her as she prepared a few spells of her own.  
  
Baal *in sorceress voice*: Preheat the caldron to a nice boil, then add frog toenails and apple cider... Diablo *sighing retrospectively*: Yea, mom's home cooking was the best, wasn't it?  
  
"Elmo loves to play! Hahaha!" Elmo informed her, before scuttling behind a tree to avoid return fire. The sorceress teleported past the tree so that she wouldn't have to travel there on foot,  
  
Gary: All five feet, lazy witch...  
  
but even as she did so, Elmo teleported to a branch up above her, and cast down a Frozen Orb. The sorceress gasped and jut barely managed to put up a Chilling Armor,  
  
Diablo: And now we find ourselves in the Redundant Department of Redundancy. Gary: And I want to know what a 'jut' is.  
  
sending a powerful Ice Bolt at Elmo for every one of his that touched her.  
  
Baal: As best as I can remember, an Ice Bolt isn't really that powerful...  
  
She teleported out of there behind a small hill and crouched, grinning with grim satisfaction as she heard Elmo scream in surprise and pain.  
  
Meph: Ooo, kinky! Diablo: No more 'shroms before fanfics for you, young demon. Meph: Hey, I'm older than you are! Diablo: Well...than...just shut up. ____________________  
  
"ANIMAL!" Animal shouted once more, sending another volley of arrows at the amazon. She dived behind yet another column,  
  
All: Again, and again, and again...  
  
praising them for protecting her and cursing them for doing the same for him.  
  
Gary: Talk about a love-hate relationship. Baal: Isn't that where you love to hate somebody? Meph: I know I do! Being the Lord of Hatred rocks!  
  
She was about to nock another arrow into the bow, but realized one of Animals randomly shot arrows had frayed the string beyond use. Disgusted, she threw the bow down. "AAAGHGHH! ANIMAL!" shouted Animal once more. "ANIMAL WIN!"  
  
Gary: Call me a purist, but doesn't he have to hit her to win?  
  
The amazon was puzzled for a second, then realized the sound of her bow dropping tricked Animal into thinking she had dripped it in death.  
  
Baal: Dripped it in death? Ewwie, that's got to hurt...  
  
Grinning, she pulled a spear out of the hilt in her back  
  
All *looking shocked*: (0_0) Baal: Ohkay, I was wrong...THAT'S got to hurt...  
  
and waited patiently for Animal to come and confirm his theory.  
  
Diablo: I'm not sure you could call that a theory... Gary: I'm not sure you could call this a story...  
  
____________________  
  
The sorceress was teleporting back and forth from cover to cover, blasting spells at her attacker and teleporting again to avoid being hit  
  
Meph: ...on.  
  
. Her opponent was doing the same, making much of their match half  
  
Baal: As exciting as watching a styrofoam cup decompose.  
  
guesswork and half observation. It was also destroying much of the plant life in the sylvan glen they were combating in.  
  
Diablo: Poor Sylvan, he's little garden is getting shredded.  
  
The sorceress teleported up into a high tree that was partially smoking further down,  
  
Baal: Doesn't the tree know that smoking is bad for it? Diablo: I'm pretty sure Mephisto doesn't... Meph: What's that supposed to mean? Baal: Dude, you smell like a tail pipe. Meph: Whoa, I bet that would be a great buzz...  
  
and paused to let her mana regenerate.  
  
Baal *As mana*: I...AM...ALIVE!  
  
She breathed deeply, and looked out from the leaves and saw the faint glimmering of  
  
Meph: More leaves!  
  
continued teleporting, and saw various spells reek havoc  
  
Diablo: Havoc, a new fragrance by Gillette. Baal: I want that one!  
  
below her. She gradually became aware that Elmo had no idea where she was,  
  
Gary: And neither did she.  
  
and was working in a rage as his high pitched voice screamed "Die die die!" into the distance.  
  
Meph *as the distance*: I can hear you dammit, shut up!  
  
She would only have to wait until he stopped to regenerate his mana as well, and then she would have him.  
  
Diablo: ...over for a nice lunch.  
  
____________________  
  
Gary: Remind me, why did the author think it would be good idea to have seven battles going on at the same time? Diablo: Probably to avoid boring the audience. Meph *waking up*: Uhhh...is it time to go yet? *snoring is heard from his seat* GAH! Cain*over loudspeaker*: Stay awake, or you'll get another electrical shock!  
  
The barbarian was bleeding heavily,  
  
Gary: For it was his first time shaving.  
  
for while his heavy handed strokes could kill full grown oxen,  
  
Baal: Assuming the oxen were on the brink of death before he came along, of course.  
  
the Swedish Chef was much faster, and his blows were beginning to take effect.  
  
Meph: Fast acting, long lasting pain! Diablo: Doesn't Andarial have the trademark to that?  
  
One such slash landed directly unto the barbarian's fore arm,  
  
Gary: As opposed to his hind arm, mind you.  
  
causing the hand to jerk  
  
Meph: Hehehe... *Both Diablo and Baal raise their hands to slap Mephisto*  
  
and drop the weapon it was grasping. Howling in pain, the barbarian pimp slapped the Chef with his bare hand  
  
Diablo: Whoz' yer' stupid big guy?!? Meph *sniveling*: You are... Diablo: Wha? Not you! I was talking to the fic!  
  
, sending the Chef reeling  
  
Meph: More fishing!  
  
and stumbling, almost falling into the blazing hearth.  
  
Gary: When did the fire start spreading? Diablo: It didn't say. Maybe the author doesn't know the difference between the hearth and the fireplace?  
  
That gave the barbarian (against all odds) an  
  
Meph: Idea.  
  
idea.  
  
Meph: Um....wow.  
  
The huge muscle bound figure bellowed as loud as he could, the Howl causing the Chef to stumble back further, into the flames.  
  
Diablo: But Howl doesn't knock you back, it causes the victim to be consumed by fear and makes them run away, but that doesn't explain why in his fear the chief decided to accidentally stumble backwards into the... Gary: Hey! What did you tell me about logic in these things?!?  
  
____________________  
  
The sorceress watched carefully from her nest, noting how much the fire below was beginning to crawl up the trunk of her tree.  
  
All *singing*: The itsy bitty spider crawled up the water spout...  
  
After several minutes, she  
  
Gary: Started to get leg cramps. All Others: Wha? Gary: Hey, it get's difficult to stay crouched for so long.  
  
finally saw that the constant teleporting had stopped, and that the last one she saw was at the entrance of a small cave.  
  
Baal: How did she know how big the cave was if she's outside of it?  
  
She Enchanted her crystal globe to cause burning damage  
  
Diablo *as Ralph from The Simpsons*: It tasts like burning!  
  
, then teleported down to the mouth of the cave, here mana still practically full even after the two spells.  
  
Gary: That doesn't quite work...  
  
She materialized in the cave, and saw Elmo bent over, hands on knees, panting.  
  
All: Ew! Meph: Yech, I don't want to know what he was doing in the cave, nasty little muppet.  
  
Before he could react, beyond saying, "What the @#$%..."  
  
Diablo: Here, in a frank example of the author's maturity, is a bunch of random symbols. Baal: I think the fact we're dealing with Muppets proved the author's maturity long ago.  
  
she ran forward and kicked him, causing him to fly upwards, strike the ceiling with his head, and fall back down to the ground with a loud "Ow!".  
  
Gary: And he was expected to say...what?  
  
She teleported over to where he landed, flicked his globe  
  
Meph *flipping off the screen*: Right back at ya! Diablo: Mephisto, read that line again, please.  
  
beyond his reached,  
  
Gary: That was kind of an absurd tense shift.  
  
grabbed him by the neck with her free hand, and pressed the globe into his stomach with the other.  
  
Baal: Oh no, she's going to start tickling him.  
  
"Ow! Get off me, you fat heifer!" screamed Elmo,  
  
Gary: Um...If the sorceress is fat, what does that make someone who weighs over 110 pounds? Diablo: Healthy?  
  
before the sorceress tightened her grip. The enchanted globe began to singe the hair on Elmo's body.  
  
Meph: Ew, burnt hair.  
  
"Where are my friends?" demanded the sorceress, loosening her grip to allow the small creature to  
  
Baal: Simmer in a nice stew with skunk stench and fresh entrails. Diablo: Stop, you're making me Hungary!  
  
speak.  
  
"They are in the arena's...the winner is taken back to the place we started at..."  
  
Meph: Woa, doesn't take much to get him to talk, eh?  
  
Elmo screeched, kicking frantically and trying to push the globe away.  
  
Baal: Um, this is kinda disturbing...  
  
"Take me there!" the sorceress shouted, shaking Elmo like a  
  
Diablo: Dirty hanky  
  
rag doll. Without realizing it, she had regained her firmest grip  
  
Gary *as firmest grip*: No! I was free! Free I tell you!  
  
on Elmo's neck, and the lack of air caused the creature to slip into unconscious. The air melted  
  
Meph: Oh that's not good, air is very hard to get out of the carpet, douncha' know?  
  
around her and resolved into the shape of mason room they had left earlier.  
  
Gary: Ok, that kinda sounded like the barbarian said it.  
  
The amazon and barbarian were already there  
  
Meph: ...In a passionate embrace! Cain *over loudspeaker*: This isn't that kind of story!  
  
. She dropped Elmo's limp body and turned  
  
Diablo: Him over to roast for another half hour.  
  
to her companions, asking if they were alright.  
  
"We're fine, but what of the others?" asked the amazon, hoping that  
  
Gary: They were dead.  
  
the sorceress had learned something that they hadn't.  
  
Diablo: Like how to avoid getting a thong wedge while running.  
  
"Elmo said that we were all sent to arena's, and that the winners would be returned here.  
  
Meph: Oh, like we can trust everything that the red ball of pocket lint says.  
  
Since there's only us, I guess that means the others are still fighting," the sorceress informed, casting heal spells on the other two.  
  
Gary: Despite the fact that their both perfectly healthy.  
  
"Pictures," the barbarian said suddenly.  
  
Baal: Yes dear, anything else to add to that thought?  
  
The other two looked at him  
  
Gary: In disgust.  
  
. It was the longest word he knew.  
  
Diablo: No, the longest is, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Gary: Um, that was loud...ow...  
  
"There. Rocks. With pictures," the barbarian clarified, waving his hand at the  
  
Baal: Set of dominoes.  
  
counter. The sorceress and amazon, with confused looks, wandered over and leaned over the counter,  
  
Meph: Giving the barbarian quite a view...  
  
and saw a set of runes embedded into side.  
  
Gary: So then, the barbarian was just able to magically see a bunch of rocks on the other side of the counter, right? All others: Right.  
  
"It's the command panel to the magic they've been using!" the sorceress exclaimed excitedly.  
  
Diablo: God what a nerd.  
  
She jumped the counter and frowned at the runes. "Drat, this really isn't my specialty. This is more of the necromancers deal..."  
  
Baal: Just hit the "Off" button! Diablo: Oh, these things are never that simple. I bet in a few centuries, you'll have to hit a button labeled "Start" to turn something off. Meph: Get serious Diablo, who'd be that stupid? Diablo: Meh, maybe you're right. ____________________  
  
At that moment, the two masters of the undead were dueling in the maze-like dungeon.  
  
Gary: We missed the part where they slap each other with gloves.  
  
Golems wrestled against skeletons, skeletons wrestled with more skeletons or fired spells, and even more skeletons  
  
All: We get the idea!  
  
climbed the walls from above and bellow to answer the calls of the men who  
  
Diablo: Loved them.  
  
summoned them. The necromancer and Gonzo themselves had hardly moved from their positions, focusing all their strength in  
  
Gary: Holding their bladder.  
  
curses, spells, and undead creatures. The battle continued to be waged  
  
Baal: And taxed.  
  
, and it was clear that the necromancer was on the bad end of things.  
  
Gary *as the bad end of things*: Get off me! Get off me! Baal: Is that joke starting to get old? Diablo: Starting?  
  
He didn't know how Gonzo was doing it, but he seemed to be  
  
Gary: Cheating.  
  
able to call forth almost twice as many skeletons, though they were quite a bit weaker.  
  
Diablo: Well it's no wonder how he's doing it, dumbass. He hit the button labeled "Raise Skeleton" a lot and you hit the button labeled "Skeleton Mastery" a lot.  
  
Finally, the necromancer had an idea.  
  
All *singing*: Suicide is painless...  
  
He charged forward,  
  
Gary: Fell flat on his face... Diablo: ...Tripping up his fire golem... Meph: ...Which landed on him... Baal: ...And Gonzo went back to the main room! These things are so predictable.  
  
twisting underneath the thrashings of his opponents fire golem,  
  
Gary: Woa, were we right? Diablo: Doubtful. How many opponents does he have, exactly? Meph: Just a typo demon, relax. Diablo: Type Demon? I didn't know we had something like tha... Meph: Just a figure of speech, relax.  
  
ducked under a swing from an enemy skeleton,  
  
Baal: All he wanted was a hug!  
  
and advanced on Gozmo.  
  
Diablo: Who the hell? Gary: Might be another typo demon.  
  
Gozmo, seeing his advanced,  
  
Diablo: No it isn't, it's right there again. Gary: Maybe there's another weirdo in there... Baal: Seeing his advanced what, exactly? Meph: Something tells me you don't want to know...  
  
drew his ceremonial dagger,  
  
Gary: Why is he doing pictures at a time like this?  
  
raised it above his head, and charged into the fray.  
  
Meph: My, the fray must find that uncomfortable.  
  
The necromancer ran at full speed, then leaped over Gonzo's head,  
  
Diablo: And here's Gonzo again. I wonder what happened to the other guy.  
  
tripped as he landed, fell, rolled, scrambled, and hit the switch that controlled the platform while still tumbling off of it.  
  
Baal: Good reflexes...  
  
The platform surged up immediately behind him, as Gonzo looked upwards in horror at the ceiling coming quickly to meet him.  
  
Gary *gushing, ditzy ceiling*: Like, oh my gosh! It's really you! You are like, my total hero! ____________________  
  
The necromancer appeared in the room they had sought to discover,  
  
Diablo: But doesn't he still have to defeat Gozmo? Baal: Don't worry about it.  
  
without his usual entourage of skeletons.  
  
Baal: I hear on the set of the video game the Necromancer insisted on a trailer for all his skeletons and makeup artists. Diablo: Wouldn't be surprised. Gary: Makeup artists? Baal: Well, flour rangler, more like it.  
  
He climbed to his feet unsteadily,  
  
Meph: But finally made it to the top!  
  
as he saw the sorceress stick her head up from behind the counter and say,  
  
Gary *as sorceress*: I'm not feeling to well...  
  
"Hey Necro, I need your help over here.  
  
Meph *as sorceress*: Yes, I need you and your, uh, Bone Wand over here to help me... Cain *over loud speaker* That's enough, you dirty little boy. Come along, I've got a warp gate opened up between our world and Garrett's, you can say goodbye to him. *All exit, Garrett smiling in relief* 1;2;3;4;5;6;7  
  
"So then, will this drop me off exactly where I was before?" Gary asked, peering into the shimmering blue light.  
  
"No, I wasn't able to get an exact match," replied Cain, looking thoughtfully into the computer screen by his chair. "But I promise you won't get stuck in the middle of a wall or anything like that." Garrett nodded, turned, shook the hands...well, upper appendages of the Prime Evils, each in turn, a strange glint in his eye as he shook Diablo's hand.  
  
"See you guy's , it's been fun!" the thief called, stepping into the portal to try again at stealing the artifact he had been searching for. ----------In a different realm--------  
  
Garrett, a mere shadow in gloom, found himself in the middle a large, brightly lit foyer, nearly as surprised as the numerous guards standing near him. The thief quickly turned around, but the portal had already collapsed. "Son of a..." Garrett yelled, as eleven swords and four arrows were instantly trained on him. ----------Meanwhile--------  
  
"Don't worry, I'm sure he's fine," replied Cain. "Tell you what, you can play Atari for a few hours before wrapping up the rest of the fic. The Prime Evils grinnend, turned on the system, and began taking turns manovering tiny little dots that were ment to represent something or other. Diablo looked down into his gigantic claw, smiling at the set of lock picks, with a note saying, "I thought you might need these more than I. - Garrett." ********************** I will shortly have the last (and rather brief) segment up, I just thought that this was dragging on rather long. But you know, Garrett isn't the only one who may step into an alternate realm, their may be others. If you have any request guest MiSTers, please email me at instant_feedback@yahoo.com , title the subject "MiSTery Guest", and tell me who you'd like! Well, you can title the subject anything you like, I imagine, but I ask you use that one so I know what you're talking about. Any other ideas, questions, requests, or flames can be sent to that address as well.  
  
If you haven't a flaming clue who the Prime Evils are, well, sucks to be you. You can get a brief character description by going to www.elitegames.8m.com, and clicking on the appropriate link. Yes, I realize that's all my site really has on it at this time, don't remind me. I had server issues. Now go play.  
  
--Gdog4evr 


End file.
